if you can't be bothered and don't give a damn about us,
then we won't too.
you planned for this,
and you conveniently forgot about it.

well i dont think you do but if you still read my blog, yeahh i am pissed at you. i understand that you are busy, but i dont like the fact that you cant even take time out to gather with your old friends whom you havent met in a long time.

alright enough of ranting! hahaha and holidays are finally here, as i longed for. but hmm, to think about it i guess it'll be quite sian :/ hahaha. i want to do alot of things during the holidays, hopefully i'll follow whatever i planned for! :D

sucks to get to know about things from a third party when you're supposed to know it first-handed.

or rather, when you thought you were supposed to.

DREAMS

i think i have really expensive dreams :/ but it isn't a crime to have dreams. haha so here they are.

1. i want to live in a two-storey apartment with azh and geok. doesn't matter whether we rent or buy it. im hoping it can be like a glass house, but curtains are a must otherwise it'll be an oven. haha. on the first storey, i want three rooms, one for each of us, and yes must have individual rooms. haha. and also a kitchen, as well as the living room with lots of beanbags and a pretty couch. on the second storey, i want it to become a jam zone, with fully-carpeted ground and soundproof walls. then fill it with a grand piano, guitars, keyboards, drumset, microphones, all that effects stuff and yeah, beanbags too!
3. i want to have a dog, something like Bouncy's breed will be good (: i want to talk to him like he understands it all. i want to share all my emotions with him, happy or sad, angry or disappointed. i want to know that he'll always be by my side and never will run away from me. i will take good care of him, i promise.
5. i want a car. for now, it'll be the Volkswagen New Beetle Cabriolet. it's damn cute and chio. hahaha. i want to drive it and take my dog out to the beach for a walk, like as if it's Bintan or something.
7. finally, i want to run a business, with geok and azh. a music café probably? like we discussed. or a music school, thats what i've always wanted to do. hmm, whichever it may be, i want to put the fullest into this business. even though it's likely to be a sub-career for all of us, and we probably won't be the ones tending the shop at all, but our hearts will be there.

yeahh. then of course, there's the dreams for career as well. but that's another thing altogether. oh wells. hahaha. but Berklee, Musician's Institute, Keele; all of that seem even harder to achieve.

hahaha okok, enough of day-dreaming. back to midi. i cant wait for tomorrow to end. but it seems sooo far away dammit.

don't try to hard, don't think so much.
it was all meant to be from the start.


haha

the thought of having a test tomorrow, no i should say later in the afternoon, and yet i can't do anything about it because i don't even know how to study for it, really sucks. im feeling so helpless now.

and i think to be able to ignore what others think of me, is one of my life's greatest challenge.

HAPPY CHAAAAANESE NEEEEW YEAR, eve. hahaha

i'm damn sian. just came back from reunion dinner. and supposed to start doing MIDI but totally no motivation. we're coming to the end of year2! err okay after MIDI test, MIDI assignments, music theory test, BUMS presentation and Harbin presentation. typing all that down make the holidays seem even further away :(

people keep saying that year3 will be more relaxing because only have to focus on FYP. but that isnt the case for DMAT :/ was thinking about it while bathing and i started to feel really scared.

1. REMT3
2. Songwriting
3. Arranging
4. PAM
5. MuMI
6. ITP
7. POD

yeah i think i didn't miss out any. and all of these are like really heavy subjects. one POD = FYP. we have 2 POD, and 6 more other modules. siaoliao.

okay im gonna enjoy this coming holiday, big time. before year3 thats gonna be hell.

oh oh, and also, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAAAAAAY! well not like i'll be celebrating it but yup! hahaha

FEBRUARY 11TH!

haha, REMT2 and performance module officially over. the test assessment today was.. DAMN tiring. we moved all the equipments from Comtech/Studio D to the auditorium. then supposed to set up the stage. and because we were doing PA for the first group, we had to set up the whole damn stage, 4 of us. somemore was still like quite half asleep. then our turn to perform. i quite liked it (: but dunno how it sounded in the house. hope it wasnt too bad! hahaha. i'm gonna miss Wrong Signs. because there's not even a recording of the song to listen to, except for the assessment review in the school's video cam.. :( haha. and that was the end of our performance and remt2! woohoo.

and feb11, a special day to remember. hahaha. went to Nihon Mura for sushi! but i was like damn full so only ate 2 plates -.- hahaha. then after that went to our usual hangout, Marina Square. sat and rubbishified. hahaha. pictures!

Thanks Darlingg for being so sweet, as always (: i promise i'll wear the shirt, on random basis :P

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P.Osh brownies i got them for VD in advance, heh


.
HAHAHA and you have to see this. probably the MOST unglam shot of zaki that you'll ever see. HAHAHA :P

okay okay and here's the proper one

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and the "surprise" brownie they bought me back -.- hahahaha thankew ah (:





.
.
okay Harbin report. i damn tired now yawns -.-

humility, modesty.

these are words that i need to fully learn the meaning of. or i'll never be a successful musician. i always think that DMAT has this aura, so i thought that was the cause of my proud character, or ego, or whatever you call that, i'm talking in terms of music. but i slowly, and painfully realize, that it is all just me.

i never knew that would become a problem to me, i never thought i was so proud, until i slowly think about what i've been doing and thinking all this while. well i can't even stand on stage without feeling butterflies in my stomach, even if the audience size is just pathetically small. no matter how awesome practices may have been, it can never be anywhere close on a real stage. and when i screw up, i blame the sound system and all the other external factors. improv? i thought i could quite manage it, but im nowhere near the standard of those i play with. SO THEN, what right do i even have to be proud?

i go to a concert commenting on how bad the sound system is, picking out the smallest details people can ever notice. i complain that the sound technicians don't know how to mix and blah. but in fact, how much do i actually know? compared to so many out there, i know peanuts. ONCE AGAIN, what right do i have to be so proud?

it takes really lots of effort and time to be good. i know well enough im not putting in as much as i should. until the day i can convince others that yes im really good, then only i have the right to feel proud of myself.

Haha.
I know of so many awesome girls around me.
But i myself, am nowhere near one.

Emo sia. hahahaha

damn

so complacent. 

and i just keep getting dragged lower each day. who can pick me up again? 

don't ask, don't wanna say a thing