these are words that i need to fully learn the meaning of. or i'll never be a successful musician. i always think that DMAT has this aura, so i thought that was the cause of my proud character, or ego, or whatever you call that, i'm talking in terms of music. but i slowly, and painfully realize, that it is all just me.
i never knew that would become a problem to me, i never thought i was so proud, until i slowly think about what i've been doing and thinking all this while. well i can't even stand on stage without feeling butterflies in my stomach, even if the audience size is just pathetically small. no matter how awesome practices may have been, it can never be anywhere close on a real stage. and when i screw up, i blame the sound system and all the other external factors. improv? i thought i could quite manage it, but im nowhere near the standard of those i play with. SO THEN, what right do i even have to be proud?
i go to a concert commenting on how bad the sound system is, picking out the smallest details people can ever notice. i complain that the sound technicians don't know how to mix and blah. but in fact, how much do i actually know? compared to so many out there, i know peanuts. ONCE AGAIN, what right do i have to be so proud?
it takes really lots of effort and time to be good. i know well enough im not putting in as much as i should. until the day i can convince others that yes im really good, then only i have the right to feel proud of myself.
